Chemo Treatments and Eggless Brownies

It was the middle of July, and the evening breeze was perfect. The sun had gone down and the stars were perfectly bright in the vast expanse above my swing-set. The beautiful night alone was cause for a great celebration. I, however, was not in the mood for celebrating.

My mom had cancer.

In my book, that makes life pretty frustrating and difficult. Being the oldest of three kids, I was temporary mom. Chemo treatments and major surgeries don’t exactly allow for cooking, cleaning, and care-taking, so those duties fell to me. I gladly accepted them and moved about life with a sense of self-inflicted responsibility. Now, I don’t want to undermine the fact that what I felt was real and hard. But, I do want to make it clear that I took a lot of these things on because I thought I had to, not because someone asked me to.

The problem was, I tried to fix it all myself. I burned myself out by trying to do everything that mom couldn’t. Then I reached my threshold, my breaking point, my rock-bottom.

So there I was, crying on the swing-set. Talking ceaselessly to God about how frustrated I was that I couldn’t do it all. I couldn’t fix my mom. I couldn’t make my siblings listen. I couldn’t get the pit out of my stomach. I was angry and frustrated that He wouldn’t just let me make things better.

“God this is so dumb! Why us?”

Then I  heard a loud boom. I don’t know what it was, but it was loud, and shook me. I got the message.

“Shut up and listen for a second.”

What other response could I have given?

“Yes, sir.”

I’m not going to begin to pretend that I’m smart enough to engage in the debate over whether or not God still speaks audibly. I still leave the eggs out of my brownies sometimes, (don’t try it), so I will most definitely not claim any theological authority. However, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I heard God speak to me, whether it be in my heart or with my ears.

“Be still, and know that I am God.”

Have you ever experienced true peace? If you haven’t, you should know that it doesn’t make sense. It usually occurs at the moment that everything is falling apart. That was this moment for me. As I walked back inside, my situation had not changed. My mom still had cancer, my siblings still didn’t want to listen to their big sister (because what the heck does she know), and there was still a mountain of chores to be done. Yet my heart was lighter, and my  smile came back.

Jesus promises us that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. When He gives His peace that surpasses our understanding, it only makes sense for our joy to be restored.

I have found that this philosophy works for all of life. If I step back and recognize that HE is God and HE is in control, then I don’t have to fix it. He will. Letting go actually makes more sense than clinging to my problems for dear life. Life doesn’t come from my problems. Life comes from my Savior. I will cling to Him because He is God and I am not. Simple thought, sure. But the application of the thought is the more challenging part, as is the case with most things.

In a world that moves at a million miles a minute and demands our attention and devotion at all times, we reach breaking points. That is inevitable. The key is being still. The key is to stop talking. The key is to know that He has been controlling the world since the beginning of time. The beginning of your problems is not the end of His sovereignty.

Trust Him in the midst of chaos. Be still and know that He is God.