Every time I have opened my computer to write, I have felt like I had nothing to say. Or maybe it was that I had too much to say but nothing worth saying. I finally figured out how to write again, so.. hi.
4 months ago my heart was too attached to things that weren’t God. They weren’t all bad things, they just weren’t the one thing I was designed to be attached to. My anxiety had increased, I developed depression, and I stopped writing music. Or playing music. I even sat in silence in my car. My identity was placed in things that ultimately let me down, and I was left feeling completely and utterly destroyed. God knew that would happen. But there I was still trying to convince Him (or me..) that it would all be okay. That I could make it all work somehow.
Beloved, let it go.
“But God.”
Have you ever seen the movie “We Bought a Zoo?” Fantastic movie. I recommend it. But anyway, there’s this flashback scene where the main guy meets his future wife for the first time. As his older-self narrates the scene, he talks about having 30 seconds of courage. He says all you need is 30 seconds of courage to start a chain of events that will force you to have courage from then on.
So I sat on the edge of my bed and I said, “Okay, God. This is it. This is my 30 seconds of courage to lay it all down at Your feet. Do with it what You will.”
He did.
But He didn’t just leave me there feeling broken. No, not my God. First He showed me that He loved me. In the words of my good friend Anna-Caroline “It’s like sometimes you just find a pile of poo to sit in and Jesus sits there right next to you saying.. ‘Hey. Let’s experience this together.’” It didn’t go quickly and it certainly wasn’t fun, but He never left. He wasn’t in a hurry. So we just sat there, experiencing it together.
What’s hilarious is that when I took time to sit with Him, even in the grossness of life, I learned so much about who He is. I knew He was faithful, but here I WATCHED His faithfulness. I knew He was forgiving, but here I EXPERIENCED His forgiveness. I knew of His grace, but here He told me to WAIT and there would be incredible things to come.
Per usual, God was right. In Matthew 5:6 Jesus tells me that if I thirst for righteousness, I will be filled. So I asked for a drink from His living water, and all of a sudden, I began to experience His river of grace. Actually, it’s probably better described as a wave. The kind that you see right before it hits you.
Because of Him, I am free. I walk around every day knowing that my life will throw crap at me. But I walk around every day KNOWING that my God is the rock on which I stand. And He doesn’t move, so why should I? I hold the glory of the Almighty God inside of me, so why on earth would I be afraid?
I now live a life full of peace, joy, and music. All of those things come strictly because of Him. There are times when I run away from Him, but when I come back, He is there telling me to stay with Him always.
Oh my Savior, as I look full in your face everything around me fades and all I see is your call to follow you. So I will. Whatever it takes.